Maybe some of you wonder why I never blog. Well, because I really prefer to blog about my thoughts rather than my happenings.
Anyway, here's something that I've been thinking about: the effects of the fall. We really are sons of Adam and daughters of Eve and we can't help it.
Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" And the woman said the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, les you die.'" But the serpent said, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
So, when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of hte day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself." He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree - and I ate." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me and I ate."
To the woman the Lord God said, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."
And to Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return."
Okay, so, I've been really emotional lately - and at the heart of my irrationality was fear. Fear that God would hold out on me - that He won't provide for my future, that He doesn't have a plan for me, that it's not good. I've been doing a Bible study on Esther by Beth Moore and she writes that, while the devil can't have us (because we're God's), he can still try to rob us of any victory, freedom, hope, etc. For me, this seems to happen by preying on what I fear. I fear a few things: disappointing people and apparently, the future.
So, how does this all tie together? Well, for starters: Eve doubted God. The serpent got her to sin by implying that God was indeed holding out on her. That He wasn't telling the truth. That He didn't have her best in mind. Eve believed him because she doubted. What is doubt, but a lack of trust? When I worry about the future, I don't trust that God will provide. When I fear people's opinions, I'm not trusting the Holy Spirit to guide me and follow His plan - regardless what other's think.
I want assurance. I want a big plan all laid out with the step-by-step detail. Why? Because I don't want to trust. I don't want to walk by faith - I want to walk by sight. Trusting God is hard! Trusting people is hard! ...and, apparently, we women haven't been good at that since the beginning! Thank God for the Holy Spirit! Thank God that we can develop the spiritual muscle of faith and hope! (Maybe this is why Mary was chosen - because she believed God right away! Elizabeth even says of her, "Blessed is she who has believed God.)
Regarding the curse of the fall, God said that our desire shall be for our husband, and he shall rule over us. We're all familiar with "boy crazy," right? In my opinion, this desire for a husband and it ruling over us, is the root of "boy craziness." Without Christ (and honestly, even with Him), this desire can become consuming. We get all crazy, over-thinking, jealous, sensitive, etc. And, I don't think any of us are immune from these irrational behaviors. They're just part of our emotional DNA.
Oh, and don't even get me started about how this translates to our relationships! a) not trusting God can cause us to not trust our man. b) we can get needy...which apparently men don't appreciate it.
As much as men don't appreciate it, we don't either. I hate it when I don't make sense. AND I hate when I feel things that don't make sense; that aren't grounded in fact/reality. I've been feeling it a lot, recently. As a feeler, it's difficult to not trust feelings; but when feelings don't mesh with reality - then it just gets confusing.
When God came near to them in the garden, they hid. I realized that while I've been feeling emotional & irrational, I haven't just been honest with God or let Him search my heart. I just try to put on the brave face and act like I'm not crazy. =) But in the meantime, I still get hurt and hurt others, while acting in Eve-mode.
I realized this on Monday night. This past week in our Ester study, Beth asked us how often we put our hope in others and not Christ. Well, lately, I've totally been putting Dan into the God category and not the boyfriend category. I've been wanting him to be my all-in-all, to be the all-knowing, ever-providing, all-loving. I think all that I've done is wear him out. (Oh yeah, and did I mention that this when he already is stressed out? Wouldn't that be the best time to be irrational and emotional? Oh yes.) And I have been sinning.
Man! I am so human and so far from perfection. And in my Eve-ness, I haven't been trusting God to lead him. Ugh! The thing I have wanted most from others is that they trust me and the work that God is doing in my life - but, I can't even do that. Because I'm a daughter of Eve. The original meddler. The original doubter.
But, I am also a daughter of the Lord God! I have this great privilege of repenting of my sin! And when I repent, I am forgiven. And, He has given us this great resource, this great power - the Holy Spirit - living inside us, so that we don't have to live under the power of our Eve-ness. We can overcome our craziness...but it is especially helpful when the men in our lives give us an immense amount of grace and understanding. And, imperative in that is we also extend an immense amount of grace and understanding to them - because, after all, they are sons of Adam.