Monday, May 11, 2009

Too much

You know what's hard about life? Living. Caring. Loving. Giving.
You know what's scary about life? Living. Caring. Loving. Giving.

Why? Because it requires us to give ourselves. Not our money. Not our time. Not our intelligence. (well, it does actually require all of those things) But to the greatest extent, it requires our hearts. To live: to care, to give, to love - we've got to expose our heart to the scariest thing of all: death, rejection, hurt, wanting something so much and not getting it.
But if we don't, we risk never living. Never experiencing the greatest thrill of all...being cared for, receiving, being loved...being alive.

I don't consider myself to be a brave woman by nature. But, by the grace of God, through His power, may I live unafraid...staring fear in the face and going for what will require all of me.
I don't want to get to the end of my life and say, "You know, I really wish I would've stood up for what I cared about. I really wish I would've spoken when I had the chance." I don't want to say, "Sorry; but, what could I have really done? My one voice didn't really matter much. Who am I to speak? Sorry, God, but I didn't realize you created me with power." Rather, who am I not to?

At church this weekend, I was approached by two older women who read my editorial. (my letter to President Geoffroy) And they both say, "Jessica, what can we do? I can't believe that this happening in Iowa - and it makes me just sick. Will your letter really make a difference?" After getting President Geoffroy's response, I don't know that it will make a difference. I wonder if all my passion and zeal to "save Extension" is just hot air and ridiculous...and I hear these women ask in earnestness, "What will it do? What can be done?" And I can't believe that no one will listen to them, to me...that nothing can be done. That we can have something so important ripped out of our hands without any one standing up.

It just can't be the end. ...and I am so afraid that it will be...that the effort will be in vain.

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